How to be kinder to ourselves through self-compassion?
In a world where we are finally being transparent about how unkind we are to ourselves, how can we move away from "why am I like this" memes and move towards treating ourselves with kindness? Well, as simple as it sounds, self-compassion is a key concept to help get us there. According to Kristin Neff, the three elements of Self-compassion are "Self-kindness vs self-judgment", "common humanity vs isolation", and "mindfulness vs over-identification."***
In short, self-compassion is all about making an effort to care for yourself. Feel free to use the citation at the bottom of the page to learn more about the different aspects of self-compassion and how each element can help you treat yourself more kindly, especially when you’re feeling hurt or stressed. Self-compassion begins with kindness to the self, and it can be cultivated through practices such as mindfulness, meditation and yoga. When working towards self-compassion, we must utilize a heartfelt honesty with ourselves, acknowledging the common humanity in us all.
When we embrace the common human experience, we are reminded that we’re not alone nor doing this alone. This compassionate awareness arises from the simple truth that we all fail, suffer and feel inadequate at times. It allows us to reach out to others with less fear of being hurt or rejected. This means letting go of ideal standards, embracing personal imperfection with warmth and tenderness and being open to the experience of suffering without judgment. Self-compassion has been shown to increase resilience, happiness and life satisfaction while reducing symptoms of depression and anxiety. By learning how to extend the same kind of love that we give to others - to ourselves - we can discover whole new universes inside ourselves. The mindfulness aspect involves staying connected and open to our emotions and experiences in the present as well as avoiding attachment to certain ideals or experiences.
For all of my people pleasers out there, it may be supportive to acknowledge that when you are kind to yourself, you have greater capacity to extend kindness to others as well. You will be better prepared to see the humanity in all people, even those you may find difficult, or unpleasant. Those who practice self-compassion act with greater kindness, compassion and patience in the face of hardship and crisis because they realize that who they are at the core is inherently good and worthy of love, care and respect no matter what is going on around them.
Just to be clear, practicing self-compassion doesn't mean we need to ignore our mistakes or shortcomings. Instead we can identify where we've gone off course and with an open heart, bring ourselves back to our intention. We do not deserve shame for being flawed; however, we do need to take ownership of our mistakes and create a plan to move forward.
In conclusion, self-compassion is a non-judgmental attitude and acceptance of suffering, rather than being overwhelmed by it. Self-compassion begins with kindness to the self, and it can be cultivated through practices such as mindfulness, meditation and yoga. Practicing self-compassion does not permit us to ignore our own shortcomings, and it does allow us to acknowledge our humanity and relieve ourselves of shame. Self-compassion is a tool I use often in my practice so feel free to schedule an appointment to begin to invite self-compassion into your life today.
***Neff, Dr. Kristin. "The three elements of self-compassion." Self-Compassion. 2023. https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/#3elements
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